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“According to Kabala, God intended sex to be a never ending passionate experience. Overflowing with profound pleasure, and breathless excitement. Sex is the most powerful way to experience the light of the creator. It is also one of the most powerful ways to transform the world.” Kabala Scholar, Yohuda Berg
As an emotional woman, I had been told many times in my life that I was too “sensitive” for my own good. This made me feel inferior or that something was wrong with me. Many people around me would make jokes about sex, and although I do not think I have no sense of humor about such subjects, it often made me uncomfortable and left me wondering if there were something wrong with me. This led me to the thoughts on differences between Sensuality and sexuality.
In society today there is no doubt that there is a main focus on the fact that sex sells. I was sent an article not long back about the changes that magazines make to models to make sure they were “sell-able” on the front cover. Shaving off at the arms and thighs, or making the waist slimmer made me realize that the magazines were in the business to sell what they thought the public desired, but to be honest, I don’t think the public on the whole really got a vote on this. For me I have always been one to think that women should have curves. Seeing the models of today compared to women in other era’s left me shaking my head. I have had my days in skinnier jeans, and I have found my curves with age, but to be honest, I stopped judging my body appearance by what others thought. I knew I had to if I were to be happy with who I am. I also realize that in being over judgmental of my body’s appearance, I would never loose weight if I choose to do so. Something that I stumbled upon a few years back at the advice of Dr. Christiane Northrup and her great wisdom for woman’s health.
What is sexuality versus sensuality? I have been struggling of late with this question. Wanting answers to my own feelings and understandings as I not only explore my own feelings on the subjects but to help my daughter to answer her own. I may not have all the answers, but I have come to understand it this way. Sexuality to me, is dealing in body parts. The picking and choosing of what the focus is upon. The human body comes in many forms and sizes, and to me makes absolutely no difference when living in a sensual body. Sensuality takes the focus, at least to me, to the soul. The energy within. I have been blessed to read some of Dr. Ogden’s study called the ISIS connection, and the advice as a sexual therapist that she gives. Her studies are unique that they do not deal in just the physical act of sex, but rather the spiritual connection that a couple finds in a relationship. Many studies have been done in the area of sex but they could only ask the basic questions of how many times, duration, and so forth. Dr. Ogden took it to a whole new level and came to realize that there may be no way of measuring this type of connection, but there certainly is information that can be gathered in the area of sensuality that has been lacking in sex studies for many years. It was her information that made me realize that the way I deal with my sensuality is not as odd as I had been led to believe.
Sensuality to me is the touching of souls. Sharing of each other’s “essence” on a whole level that had never been discussed before. To me, when I speak with young women and they begin to open up about their beliefs about sex, I found myself wondering why they were not aware of this sharing that I found so natural. For a woman, her biggest sexual organ is her brain. It isn’t a wonder that sexual dysfunction is rampant in this day and age of misconceptions of what a woman “should” look like according to the advertised perfection of the female form. Then we seem to still have this misconception that women should not speak about or even “want” sex. At least not like the men. This is a misconception that I struggled with most of my life as a sensual woman. I am not saying that I could never be pleased, but rather I found myself easily pleased as long as I was with the right partner. I knew early on entering relationships that I am not one to have these sensual feelings for more than one person at a time. It just wasn’t in me to do so. When I would open that door for an intimate relationship, then it was to one person only.
Later in my life, I realized my libido went down if the relationship showed signs of dysfunction or my thoughts about that person changed. If the connection was lacking in any area of the relationship, then there was no sex life. I was and am hard wired to the entire experience of a relationship. I am not sure that this is true for all women, but I certainly noticed this in my life. If I had no interest in sex, then I (and my partner knew), there was a problem. Again, 90 percent of a woman’s sexual organ is her brain. At least it is very much for me. In counseling young women through the years, and counseling couples as a Minister, I came across a few couples that found dysfunction and choose the path of “open” relationships. I found in most, if not all of these arrangements that one partner was not at all happy with the arrangement but did so to please and keep their partner. In keeping up with them through the years, I have come to realize that none of these relationships survived past a few years. It always ended in one partner leaving for someone else. I had to ask myself what they were searching for.
I think in our society of perception and the focus upon sexuality that there is not enough focus upon sensuality or a connection that is viewed past the human body. There is Viagra for the men, and I even saw a “Viagra” for women being posted in advertisements now, but I knew somehow this was not the answer. True sensuality to me has nothing to do with the human body. In my own view, I also know that there is no person upon this earth that is going to please me in my sexuality unless they are accepted within my heart. It has little to nothing to do with the human body but rather a touching of hearts. I watched a movie years ago called Milk Money. In this movie, these young boys had a riddle. “Is there a place that you can touch a woman that drives her crazy”? Their search of course was through human anatomy. The story as it went came with the ending in answer. Her heart. I knew the truth in this.
To me to have a healthy, loving relationship, I am not focused solely on the condition of my body. I don’t lie next to my partner and wonder if my breasts are too small or too big. I do not hide my thighs, or try to cover other body parts that I may have issues with. I know that my sensuality has nothing to do with this. My body may be the vehicle and act of sex, but it is far from the end all be all of sensuality. To feel sensual, I know the secret. Actually feel it. My partner in life is one that makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on the earth. Why? Because I am so sensual to his touch. In his eyes, I know, I am perfect. For in that act of sharing. In that act of intimacy, there is nothing to hide. In his arms, I am vulnerable, receive, and give pleasure without thought of this human body that is receiving the touch. He is truly touching my heart. Truth be told, in my sensuality I do not need touch to achieve a body rocking orgasm. I never have. Simply being asked by my partner was always enough for my body in feeling safe and secure is allowed to release in a way that my partners found exciting. Intimacy to me is being able to feel as well as touch.
In an article I stumbled across called New Paradigm of partnership by Divine Harmony, she puts relationships in these terms.
On my Facebook profile today, I posted a note about the triangular theory of love. This theory, based on psychologist Robert Sternberg’s research, is that love has three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. He says that different combinations of these three result in different kinds of love. Intimacy and commitment equals compassionate love (akin to the first paradigm of partnership), while intimacy and passion equals passionate love (akin to the second paradigm of partnership). To me commitment with passion and no intimacy seems more like ludos—game playing love. This is likely the kind of love the celebrities who run to the altar engage in (aka ‘Hollywood relationships’). But without intimacy it doesn’t last. Sternberg says that relationships built on two or more elements are more enduring than those based on only one. But he says that there is a love that includes all three—intimacy, passion and commitment- and that is consummate love. He says that this is the strongest and most enduring kind of love, but it is also the rarest. The new paradigm of partnership I described above is all about consummate love. It may be rare, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
This is the relationship that I had been trying to put to words, but it had escaped me. Thank you darling for putting my hearts words so well.
To me the physical act is not going to heal the dysfunction that I have seen in my experience, but rather the teaching of our own perfection and sharing that perfection with our partners is all that is really needed. When a relationship is healthy, loving, and vibrant, then the sensuality flows without thought, and it becomes a true sharing of souls. I am blessed that my daughter has found this understanding as well and is growing to be a wonderfully sensual young woman in her own right. It all truly does start with us.
Our Best Online Dating Advice: 8 Red Flags to Watch For
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Sometimes, there's not much to go off of on someone's online dating profile. Maybe the photo is blurry, the interests listed are vague, or doesn't want to meet in person. We've gathered some of the top red flags here—take our online dating advice, and good luck!
When we meet a potential love interest in person, we’re taught to look for certain red flags—like being rude to the waiter, calling incessantly or not at all, or claiming that his favorite book is The Da Vinci Code. When we’re choosing potential dates online, though, we sometimes have little more than a picture and a paragraph to go on. But even before you’ve agreed to meet someone, there may be warning signs of impending dating disaster … you just have to know what to look for. Our best online dating advice: before you respond to that next wink or personal message, start watching out for these red flags.
1. A Picture That’s Worth Less Than a Thousand Words
It’s normal to be suspicious of people whose pictures are blurry or far away, full of other random people, or purposely vague. If a guy’s profile is full of shots of him in sunglasses, dressed up for Halloween, or in miniature in front of the Great Wall of China, it’s hard not to suspect that he’s hiding something. It’s great conversation fodder when someone displays snapshots of himself on vacation or out with friends, but it’s reasonable to expect at least one clear picture of his face. “I gave a few guys the benefit of the doubt,” says Lindsay from Houston. “I thought maybe they didn’t have a good camera and really couldn’t find a decent picture of themselves.” Sean from Brooklyn says, “There was one girl I wished I’d met, but she had her back to the camera in her picture, which I thought was way too much of a gamble.”
2. The Date-O-Matic 1000
If you receive an impersonal message that seems oddly like a form letter, it probably is. Some practiced daters have a standard letter they send to every single person they find even mildly attractive. Someone who truly wants to get to know you will take the time to write a personalized message responding to specific items in your profile, not send a generic cut-and-paste letter saying, “Hey girl, I saw your profile and was intrigued …” Think about the hundreds of other people who’ve gotten the same letter, and decide whether you’re willing to accept only the barest minimum of effort.
3. Bait and Switch
Maggie from New York City specified in her profile that she wanted to meet someone between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-five who lived in Manhattan, so receiving emails from sixty-five-year-old men who lived a hundred miles away was not amusing. Someone who blatantly disregards what you’ve stated you’re looking for is simply wasting your time. If that didn’t turn her off, then the subsequent emails from the same men asking why she was an ageist definitely did.
4. I’m the Boss of You
It’s okay to state some basic requirements, such as whether you’re willing to date someone who smokes or who has children. What’s not okay is to expect potential suitors to conform to a long list of demands. If you see a profile that specifies a required height/weight, salary, or supermodel looks, or includes domineering phrases like “I need …” or “I won’t tolerate …,” consider whether you could ever live up to this person’s impossible standards. Dating is a negotiation, and we don’t always get everything we want. Getting involved with someone who’s so demanding from the start is sure to end in disappointment. “Nobody gets everything on his or her list,” says Heather in San Francisco. “You’re not setting a good first impression by acting bossy in your profile.”
5. The Silent Treatment
No one expects to meet in person after just a couple of emails, but if you’ve been corresponding regularly, it’s expected that you’ll take your relationship offline. If the person doesn’t even want to talk on the phone or meet for coffee, it’s okay to wonder what his motivations are. He might just be nervous, but he could also be someone other than who he says he is.
6. Offline Outrage
If your first verbal or in-person interaction with a date is a drunk-dial or a booty call, consider that an inauspicious omen. “I exchanged phone numbers with a guy, and when he called me to set up a date, he was drunk,” says Lindsay. “I should’ve taken that as a sign, but I figured it was Friday night, so I shouldn’t judge. When we met up in person, he was a [jerk] and kept asking me if I ‘liked to party.’” So a good rule of thumb is: if your date is drunk the first time you talk to him on the phone, end it there.
7. Plans on, Plans Off
A person who constantly makes plans and then cancels them, or who can talk on the phone only at certain times of the day, either has an incredibly demanding job or is not quite as single as she claims. It’s sad, but many married people troll dating sites, either looking for some action on the side or just seeking validation. If your date instructs you never to call on evenings and weekends or will call you only from a restricted number, there’s a good chance that she’s trying to keep you a secret.
8. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
You’ve done it—you’ve found a person online who seems to be perfect for you. That is, until you receive a message or phone call confessing that the picture he sent wasn’t really him, and that he’s actually five years older than he claimed, but now that you’ve gotten to know him, that shouldn’t be a problem, right? Believe it or not, people actually try this. The intent is to trick potential dates into falling for their “inner beauty,” but all this ruse really reveals about someone is that he’s a liar. People who employ this tactic generally aren’t tender souls who are afraid of rejection; they’re just not confident enough to be themselves. Some brazen daters even post contradictory information right on their profile (“I’m really forty, even though I listed my age as thirty-five”), as justification for trying to show up in more searches for “men over six feet tall,” or “women under forty.” Presenting oneself in the best light is one thing, but outright lying is quite another.
Online dating was supposed to make it easier to meet and screen potential dates, but sometimes it seems as if it’s just added one more layer of effort that requires you to filter out the crazies to get to the good ones. But the good ones are indeed out there, and luckily, the bad ones usually reveal themselves early in the process. Watching out for these warning signs can make it easier to take a relationship from email to in-person. But once you’re at your first dinner date, you’re on your own.
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